Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
