Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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