I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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