Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
