I have demons in me.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
