I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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