Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
