the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Someone came in the potted fern
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
