I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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