sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
it hurts more in the daytime
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i dont even know how to be here
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
