Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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