I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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