every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
