i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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