bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
i believe in u and ur pee
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
