So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
