My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
