I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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