You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
