I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
