oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
