I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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