You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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