If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
