She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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