Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
