Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
