dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
