i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
