I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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