my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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