M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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