I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
