I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
