My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
