when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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