so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
