Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
