Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
