Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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