So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
