He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
