Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
