My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
