he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
