Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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