I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
