I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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