Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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