I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
