a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
how does that bad decision feel?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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