failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
